Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishmess. But in that casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least the risk of tragedy, is damnation.
C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
Ten and a half months ago I wrote this post about being “all in” with Jonathan and David. Less than a month into knowing about them I bravely shared how my heart was so completely for them, no matter what it would cost me, even if it was heartbreak. What I didn’t share, though, was that I was quite convinced that God wouldn’t let me be heartbroken. Instead, because of my great faithfulness to follow his leading (yes, that un-truth makes me want to throw up too), the path would be smooth and easy and definitely quick – even quicker than anyone expected. You see, even though I thought I was really all in for anything this journey would throw at us, I had NO IDEA what this would be like or what I was signing up for.
I have thought of that post many times, and I have eaten my words – bite by bitter bite. And here we are, ten and half months later, almost a year into loving these precious souls and aching for them, and “all in” looks very much like loving children we will never meet, praying desperately but never seeing the clear answer to those prayers. “All in” means we’ve let our children and families and friends (many of you!) labor with us in sacrificial giving and constant praying, all the time believing that all of us would be blessed to get to be a part of these boys’ lives being changed forever.
Well, we are told there is little hope, almost none, of them coming into our family, or of us ever even knowing what will become of them. We’ve been encouraged to move-on and take another child or children - ones equally needy of a family and hope for the future. It’s gut wrenching. Even considering it has been one of the most painful things in my life. I know we would go all in again, and could love new children just as much, probably more as we know them and bring them into our family (Lord willing). Probably one of the most painful things, though, is trying to figure out what God has done these last 11 months? Were they purposeful in his kingdom, in our lives, and in the lives of Jonathan and David? Will I ever know if loving them has made a difference?
It’s made me realize that choosing to love is a choice of faith. When we love, we choose to believe that no matter how painful, no matter how agonizing, it is WORTH it. It is looking to Christ, who loved us unto the most horrible death and punishment we can imagine, because he knew the pain of loving (loving us, but loving his Father who called him to it even more) was worth it, no matter the cost to himself.
My sister Martha read me the C.S. Lewis quote yesterday and it has helped a little as I wrestle with all this. It encourages me because I’m reminded that I wouldn’t go back and change my heart for Jonathan and David, even knowing what I know now and even fearing the days ahead that may very well include a definite closed door on our adoption of them. The alternative to experiencing this pain and ache from having loved them, is far far worse than I dare imagine.
So we’re still all in. And because of it, we’re asking you to be too. Please please please keep praying for these boys, that God would work a miracle to allow them into our family. We are asking specifically for the Lord to lead clearly through the timing of when we are given the opportunity to move forward with another child or children, and that if/when he calls us to that, he will give us peace, even amidst the heartbreak. Until that time comes, though, would you fight for Jonathan and David with us in prayer? The same faith that allows us to love and be hurt, also allows us to hope for great and impossible things.
At the beginning of this month, Eric and I had the great privilege of heading west to San Diego to celebrate the marriage of these dear friends:
Jon Bonker was one of the best men in our wedding (Eric had two. So did Jon. So did Brian).
Katie and the best men
He is like a brother to Eric and I am SO grateful to God for his faithful provision of this man who sharpens my husband and encourages him towards grace and godliness.
Up until now, Jon has been our only teammate for South Asia. He had been there already for two years this past summer, when this wonderful young lady contacted MTW about joining the work there and eventually got in touch with Jon. That was August. I’ve had the amazing privilege of getting to know this amazing woman of God over the last several months via phone, and “watching” these two fall in love (as much as you can watch two people in Asia and California from Florida). Seeing the Lord work in their relationship these last 5 months and bring them to their wedding day on January 7th was such a blessing to me, reminding me in many ways of God’s provision and grace and kindness to his children. Besides the obvious blessing that they are to each other (if you could only see the in-love-ness of these two!), I am grateful beyond words for the provision of Katie in my life. Not only has the Lord used her to encourage and bless and challenge me in the few short months since we became friends, but I am over the moon that the Lord has provided another woman for our team, a friend and sister to labor with when we are on the mission field. What a tremendous gift!
So here’s our new team picture (we’ve grown by 33%!):
The other incredible blessing of the wedding was being with so many dear friends from college:
The wonderful Bonker family:
Me and my only best man:
It was such fun to be in a wedding together again!
All the goofy guys doing their thing to the car:
Krisha also posted on their blog with some great photos and some amazing marriage quotes to chew on. You can see those here.
You can also see a slideshow of really great photos from the wedding here.
Eric and I stayed in San Diego for an extra day and a half to have some much-needed time together. We had an absolutely fabulous time. We enjoyed old-town San Diego, riding the trolleys around to see the city and harbor, some great food, and sunset over the pacific from the cliffs.
We watched the sun go from this:
to this:
to this:
Absolutely glorious!
We are so grateful to have been able to celebrate our dear friends’ marriage, be with several other dear friends, and also celebrate our own with some special time with just the two of us. God is so good. We are also incredibly thankful to our friends Greg and Christie who stayed here with the girls and loved on them so well while we were gone. Kimberly and Danny also helped out by caring for them during the daytime a few of the days. We are so blessed and grateful, because we really could not have gotten away without their sweet service to us. What a gift this was!
So thankful!
13 The LORD looks from heaven;
He sees all the sons of men;
14 From His dwelling place He looks out
On all the inhabitants of the earth,
15 He who fashions the hearts of them all,
He who understands all their works.
16 The king is not saved by a mighty army;
A warrior is not delivered by great strength.
17 A horse is a false hope for victory;
Nor does it deliver anyone by its great strength.
18 Behold, the eye of the LORD is on those who fear Him,
On those who hope for His lovingkindness,
19 To deliver their soul from death
And to keep them alive in famine.
20 Our soul waits for the LORD;
He is our help and our shield.
21 For our heart rejoices in Him,
Because we trust in His holy name.
22 Let Your lovingkindness, O LORD, be upon us,
According as we have hoped in You.
My sweet sister-in-law, Maggie, wrote us an incredible email in response to my post yesterday. Mostly in response to my confession of being so sarcastic and cynical a few weeks ago about adoption. And I feel like I need to repent and apologize here for that. It is not something to be taken lightly, and in our heart of hearts, we definitely did not really mean what we said to those friends. Still, adoption is such a sacred and blessed and from-God calling and I grieve that I shared our faulty sentiment with those friends, and now, again, with all of you. Please, please forgive me for writing that, because I don’t believe sharing it (especially in that context) was God-glorifying or people-edifying. (I’m going back to edit the post, so I’m sorry if you get it again via email.)
Maggie so generously reminded us of the truths we know, but easily forget, and her email couldn’t have been more timely. And she shared some “link love” herself which I want to share with you because of how much the Lord has used it to bless and encourage and convict me today.
She shared this song (which you can get for free if you want, but it would be awesome to donate to adoption through this family), and some truths she pulled out of it:
-”If I am richly loved, then why do I fear? If am richly loved, and you are right here, if am richly loved then what else do I need? I am richly loved by my eternal king.”
-”Even when I draw back, he never pulls away, withdraws, but pursues me.” Who on earth is like that!? You have to keep pursuing and drawing near to these boys, to adoption in general, and to Him.
-”You are not a God who lets me down.”
-”And when my heart is slow to praise you, you do not let go…In this season I am learning you’re not silent or slow. If you only give me more of you, it will always be enough. YOU are the prize.“
-Any proceeds go to help fund adoptions!!
Seriously, get this song and be reminded over and over again of these precious truths.
Thank you, Maggie.
Hello sweet readers.
I know, we’ve been MIA. I’m so sorry about that. I have some sweet photos to put up, and catch up blogging to do, and I really need to write an adoption update. This next week or so might bring us some answers and news (maybe good, maybe not). There’s a lot more and I really will try to wrap my brain around how to share it all with you all.
But right now I wanted to share with you some sweet reminders we’ve had of the miracle of adoption.
We so often we forget WHO’s writing this story and our feeble hearts get anxious and fearful and oh, so weary. our adoption journey has definitely not been what I hoped it would be and we get discouraged all too often. I am SO incredibly grateful for the people the Lord has placed in our lives who remind us of what he’s up to, whether they know it or not.
Eric and I had the great privilege as newly weds to be in home group with this dear family. They were some of the first friends we shared with about going to Japan and then about Noa being born. We loved being in their home, which was full of life with their 4 children and new puppy. Their youngest, Alex, had just been added to their family through adoption, and I remember just marveling as I held him at how unaware he was of the incredible blessings God had poured out on him in giving him this family, and being equally struck by what a blessing and gift he was to each of them.
Anyway, even though we haven’t lived near each other for half a decade now, I am so blessed by how God uses them to encourage and bless our growing family still. I can’t begin to tell y’all how timely some of her words, in either blog posts or personal notes, have been for us as we’ve walked this road. I am ever so grateful for God’s work in this family, and how it has overflowed to bless us.
And all that to say, you will love reading their stories, but if you can’t read them all, you have GOT TO READ this one. THIS is what adoption is about. Oh, it just makes me weep with joy that God is doing this. Praise HIM!
Merry Christmas to all of you! I know it’s a few days after the 25th, but Jesus’ birth is just as miraculous and glorious today as it was 4 days ago. I hope you are basking in the joy of that truth. I know I am! God with us has been a long-known truth of which we we have peeled back layers and layers over the past year and it’s been sweet to finish the year with this month-long celebration of Christ’s advent – the very thing that makes it possible for us to experience God with us each and every day.
We had an awesome time celebrating with my state-side siblings this year. We had my sister Martha and her daughter Simone for 8 days; Mark, Hannah, and my brother in law Ian for 5 days, and my Brother Joel, sister-in-law Mary Stuart, and their Oliver for 2 days. Danny and Kimberly and their 4 kids live down the street so we split the house guests between us and had a grand time. We SO MISSED Jonathan and Maggie and their 3 girls in S. Asia, and Mom, Dad, Micah, and Seth in Japan. Still, getting this many of us together for Christmas was quite a feat and I am so grateful.
numbers 1, 4, 5, 6, & 7 of 9 together at the beach!
the little cousins together with Simone before she left and Oliver came
Joel, MS, and Oliver.
(The kids were passing around a stomach bug by the end of our time so we didn’t attempt any group shots, in hopes of sparring him his cousin’s germs.)
I posted about 100 more pictures on facebook and Danny made this video of our time together… yes, you guessed it, it was quite crazy, but it was sweet insanity. 
One huge blessing of having so many wonderful people around and also being so busy making sure there were meals and plans and places for everyone each day, was that I didn’t have time to mourn Jonathan and David’s keenly felt absence as much as I would have with a quieter setting. Still, I went to bed each night in tears and ached and prayed for some “Christmas miracle” that would at least give us hope of them coming home in the new year. I so wanted to anticipate their entry into this beautiful and lively group of cousins who adore one another and and need a few extra boys to even out the mix (right now there are 9 girls and 3 boys among them, with one on the way). But my heart was so guarded and it’s so hard to hope after so many deep valleys in this journey to get them and hardly any good news these days.
Sometimes I ask God how long can I live like this? If we never get them will I always have this empty, aching spot in my heart? Will Christmases and birthdays and celebrations always remind me that they are missing?
I need to write an adoption update, and maybe I will get to that soon. We definitely need your prayers and I want to ask you to pray for some things specifically. Hopefully I can later today after I get all the Christmas decorations put away.
We send our love and thanks to so many of you who have prayed for us and cared for us so generously in 2011. We are so grateful for you and how you’ve shown us the joy of being in God’s family. I pray the Lord is with each of you and brings great blessing and joy and more of His presence in 2012.
Continue reading about a late Merry Christmas! and other tidbits from us